Overcoming the Inner Critic: Nurturing Self-Confidence
Do you talk to yourself like a friend or a foe? Many people have an inner critic—a voice inside that fills their minds with self-doubt, harsh judgments, and negative thoughts. While some recognise this critical voice, others may not be fully aware of how deeply it influences their thoughts and behaviours.
What is the inner critic?
The inner critic is the part of ourselves which harbours the collection of our negative beliefs, and the critic can intensify when triggered by external circumstances. For example, receiving negative feedback at work may trigger thoughts such as “you’ll never succeed” or “you must not make mistakes”. Excessive self-criticism has been linked to detrimental effects on mental health, including symptoms of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Moreover, it can impair performance, hinder interpersonal relationships, and even impact physical well-being.
We aren't born with an inner critic; instead, we gradually internalise narratives about ourselves through life experiences. In Schema Therapy, these narratives or core beliefs are known as "schemas." These schemas form our core beliefs about ourselves, relationships, and the world. They stem from repeated messages from others, how we're treated, and conclusions drawn from our environment. During childhood, we absorb these messages quite literally, akin to sponges absorbing elements from their environment.
For instance, when parents fail to meet their children's basic emotional needs, children may internalise feelings of being unworthy, burdensome, or needy. Facing the truth that a parent is dysfunctional, incapable of providing proper care, or abusive can be overwhelming and psychologically distressing for a child. Other examples include belonging to a minority group who is stigmatised or discriminated against, being compared to a sibling, and being bullied at school. Having a parent who is very self-deprecating can model negative self-talk. Even well-intentioned parents pushing their children to excel can inadvertently convey messages about worthiness and achievement.
Schema Therapy provides a helpful framework to identify what type of self-critic we might have, to understand its function, triggers, and how to eventually loosen its grip on us.
The Flavours of Critic in Schema Therapy
Self-criticism can manifest in various forms, each with its unique flavour and effect on our psyche. According to Jeffrey Young (the pioneer of Schema Therapy), we recognise three common patterns or "critic flavours" that shape our internal dialogue:
The Punitive Critic
The punitive critic is a harsh and judgmental inner voice constantly berating you for your perceived shortcomings and mistakes. It's that nagging voice in your head that tells you that you're not good enough, that you'll never amount to anything, and that you deserve to be punished for your flaws. The punitive critic magnifies feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy, leaving us feeling small and unworthy. The punitive critic is especially correlated with chronic, or recurrent depression, as well as childhood trauma. This critic is usually not functioning to help us, but rather aims to degrade and put us down.
The Demanding Critic
The demanding critic is like an overly strict taskmaster, setting impossibly high standards and expectations for ourselves. It pushes us to strive for perfection in everything we do, leaving no room for error or imperfection. The demanding critic usually is well-intentioned, and functions to help us strive in some way, and to protect us from underlying fears or anxieties (such as fear of failure). It however does so in a way that often backfires, leading to exhaustion, burn out and feeling demoralised. It is important to learn ways to setting limits on this critic, and to instead use self-compassion as a more effective motivator.
The Guilt-Inducing Critic
This critic is often more subtle or difficult to identify. The guilt-inducing critic preys on our sense of responsibility and duty, making us feel guilty for things that may not even be within our control. For example, it might make us feel guilty for taking time for ourselves when we have responsibilities to others, or for prioritising our own needs over those of others. This critic is especially common in women, due to societal and cultural factors. Traditional gender roles often portray women as nurturing, self-sacrificing, and empathetic, which can further reinforce feelings of guilt when they prioritise their own needs or assert boundaries. Constantly subjugating, or suppressing how we feel, can lead to an explosion of anger over time, depression, and physical health complaints.
Self-Compassion as the Antidote
In the face of relentless self-criticism, cultivating self-compassion becomes a powerful antidote. Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially in moments of struggle or failure. Research has shown that self-compassion is associated with numerous benefits, including:
Reduced levels of anxiety, depression, and stress
Increased resilience and emotional well-being
Greater motivation to learn and grow from setbacks
Improved relationships and empathy toward others
Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion
Practice Mindfulness:
Notice when self-criticism arises and gently redirect your attention to the present moment. Mindfulness meditation can help you develop awareness of your thoughts and emotions without judgment.
Challenge Negative Self-Talk:
Question the validity of your self-critical thoughts. Are they based on facts or distorted perceptions? Replace harsh self-judgments with compassionate and realistic self-talk.
Cultivate Self-Kindness:
If your friend spoke to you the way you spoke to yourself, would you keep them around? Asking yourself how you would speak to a friend in a similar situation can be helpful in shifting our self-talk. Treating yourself with care, through practicing self-care activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit is also important.
Embrace Imperfection:
Recognise that perfection is an unrealistic standard and that mistakes are a natural part of the human experience. Embrace your flaws and vulnerabilities as essential aspects of your uniqueness and humanity.
How our Psychologists in Kogarah, Sydney, Can Help
For many, addressing the inner critic can be challenging without professional support. At Inner Wellness Psychology, our experienced clinical psychologists in Kogarah are passionate about Schema Therapy and its power to help you overcome your inner critic. We offer sessions both in-person in Kogarah, Sydney, and online via telehealth. Reach out today and allow our psychologists support you on your journey to improved wellness and self-esteem
If you are interested in learning more about Schema Therapy, we recommend reading the self-help text Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young and Janine Klosko. This text is often also recommended as an adjunct to personal therapy. If you’d like to learn more about self compassion, feel free to watch the following TED talk below. You may also like to visit Dr Kristen Neff’s website for more resources on this topic, at https://self-compassion.org/.
Blog written by Karina Lazarou, Clinical Psychologist
Disclaimer: The content on this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a psychological condition. If you require immediate assistance, call 000, present to your nearest emergency department, or call a mental health crisis number such as Lifeline on 13 11 14
