Healing People-Pleasing Patterns with Schema Therapy
Do you often find yourself prioritising the needs of others, even when it leaves you feeling drained or unappreciated? Do you struggle to say "no," ending up overwhelmed and burnt out? If these experiences resonate with you, you may be caught in a cycle of people-pleasing.
People-pleasing goes beyond simply wanting to be kind; it’s a pattern of behaviour that involves excessively accommodating others at the expense of your own needs. This “fawn” response is a survival mechanism, alongside the more recognised “fight or flight,” which can lead to feelings of exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of self-identity.
Understanding the signs and origins of people-pleasing is the first step toward breaking free from these patterns and reclaiming your authentic self. Let’s delve into what drives this behaviour and how it can affect your well-being.
Common Signs of People-Pleasing
Some indicators that you might be caught in a cycle of people-pleasing include:
Saying "yes" when you really want to say "no"
Avoiding conflict to keep others happy
Constantly seeking approval or validation from others
Feeling responsible for managing others' emotions
Struggling to express your own needs and opinions
Experiencing guilt or anxiety when setting boundaries
Putting others’ comfort above your own, even at your own expense
Where Does People-Pleasing Come from?
People-pleasing is a learned behaviour that often develops outside of our conscious awareness, particularly in environments where emotional needs, such as love, security, and validation, are inconsistently met. As children, we are highly sensitive to our surroundings, and when our emotional needs are neglected or met sporadically, we may unconsciously adopt coping mechanisms to navigate our relationships.
For instance, if you grew up in a household where being compliant or helpful earned you affection, you may have internalised the belief that your worth is directly tied to pleasing others. In such settings, demonstrating agreeableness might have become a way to gain love and avoid criticism. This pattern is especially common in families where emotional expression is limited or where love and attention depend on behaviour, leading children to think their value comes solely from their ability to make others happy.
Additionally, in stressful or threatening environments during childhood, being agreeable and accommodating may have served as a survival strategy. If there was potential for conflict or rejection, adapting your behaviour to please those around you could have helped you maintain peace and ensure your safety. As a result, you might have learned to suppress your own feelings, desires, and needs in favour of pleasing others.
People-pleasing is also socialised within a cultural context. For example, from a young age, many girls are taught to prioritise harmony and nurturing relationships, leading to the belief that their value lies in being accommodating and agreeable. Cultural narratives can further reinforce this behaviour, suggesting that women should be selfless caregivers who derive satisfaction from pleasing others. Over time, the habit of people-pleasing becomes deeply ingrained, even if it no longer serves you, making it difficult to break free from these patterns as an adult. Recognising the origins of these behaviours is a crucial first step toward reclaiming your true self and establishing a more balanced approach to relationships.
How People-Pleasing Impacts Well-Being
While people-pleasing may feel safer in the short-term, it can have significant negative effects. Constantly prioritising others over yourself can lead to:
Emotional exhaustion and burnout
Difficulty asserting your needs and desires
Anxiety and resentment
Strained relationships where your feelings are suppressed
A loss of self-identity and authenticity
Schemas Driving People-Pleasing Behaviours
Schemas are deeply held beliefs and patterns of thinking that develop in childhood and influence how we interact with the world. Several schemas are often linked to people-pleasing, including:
Subjugation Schema: This schema involves a fear of expressing your own needs or desires, based on the belief that asserting yourself will lead to conflict or rejection. People with this schema often suppress their needs, leading to feelings of powerlessness and resentment.
Self-Sacrifice Schema: Individuals with this schema focus excessively on meeting others' needs, often to their own detriment. This pattern is often driven by guilt and the belief that putting yourself first is selfish, leading to burnout and emotional exhaustion.
Approval-Seeking Schema: This schema centres on the need for continual external validation and approval from others to establish a sense of self-worth. People with this schema often depend on others’ opinions, praise, and recognition for their feelings of validation, which can make it challenging for them to express their true selves authentically.
However, underneath these schemas (which develop as a coping strategy) often lie more profound, underlying schemas. For example:
Abandonment Schema: This schema stems from fears of being abandoned or rejected, leading individuals to feel that they must please others to maintain relationships. The anxiety around being left alone can drive a constant need for approval and acceptance.
Defectiveness/Shame Schema: Individuals with this schema often carry a deep-seated belief that they are flawed, unworthy, or inherently bad. They may fear that if others truly knew them, they would be rejected or abandoned. This fear can drive people to please others, hoping that their efforts will mask their perceived flaws and earn them acceptance.
How Schema Therapy Can Help
Schema Therapy is highly effective in addressing the root causes of people-pleasing behaviours while emphasising the importance of self-care and healthy boundaries. A schema therapist helps you uncover the emotional wounds that drive these behaviours and guides you in challenging the limiting beliefs associated with them.
Here’s how Schema Therapy works:
Identifying Your Schemas
The first step is recognising the schemas that fuel your people-pleasing tendencies. Understanding these patterns can help you see how they impact your ability to care for yourself. By identifying these schemas, you can gain insight into your automatic responses and behaviours.Reconnecting with Your Inner Child
Through Schema Therapy, you’ll explore how these schemas developed during childhood and reconnect with your "inner child"—the part of you that still carries those emotional wounds. This process fosters greater self-awareness and understanding of your needs, including what gets in the way of meeting them.Challenging Negative Beliefs
Therapy helps you identify and challenge the negative beliefs that contribute to your people-pleasing behaviours. By recognising these beliefs, you can cultivate self-worth, and develop an authentic sense of self, rather than depending on others’ approval.Setting Healthy Boundaries
Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial for balancing your needs with those of others. Your psychologist will guide you in building assertiveness skills, and managing feelings such as guilt or anxiety.Developing Self-Compassion
People-pleasers often struggle with self-criticism when prioritising their own needs. Schema Therapy teaches self-compassion techniques, helping you validate your emotions and learn to care for yourself just as you would for others.
To learn more about Schema Therapy and how it can support your journey, check out our detailed blog post on Schema Therapy.
Steps to Break Free from People-Pleasing
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, here are a few steps to begin your healing journey:
Reflect on Your Motivations: Ask yourself why you feel the need to please others. Is it fear of rejection or disapproval? This awareness is the first step to change.
Start Setting Boundaries: Practise saying “no” in low-stakes situations to build confidence in asserting your needs while ensuring you don’t neglect your own wellbeing.
Seek Professional Support: Working with a psychologist or a schema therapist can provide the tools and guidance needed to break these deep-seated patterns and cultivate a healthier balance between caring for others and yourself.
Conclusion
People-pleasing can often indicate unresolved emotional wounds that stem from childhood experiences. Schema Therapy offers a pathway to identify and heal these wounds, enabling you to break free from the need to please others and prioritise your own wellbeing. At Inner Wellness Psychology, our skilled clinical psychologists in Sydney are trained in Schema Therapy and can guide you in uncovering and addressing the emotional factors that drive your people-pleasing behaviours.
If you’re ready to move beyond these patterns and embrace a more fulfilling life, we’re here to support you. Our psychologists in Kogarah provide both in-person and online sessions tailored to your individual needs. Schedule a consultation today with one of our clinical psychologists to start your journey toward emotional healing.
Disclaimer: The content on this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding a psychological condition. If you require immediate assistance, call 000, present to your nearest emergency department, or call a mental health crisis number such as Lifeline on 13 11 14.
